The Reality of Relapse and the Importance of Boundaries

My oldest son, Jeffrey, got out of prison on the fifteenth of last month. He spent fifteen months there and had work release the last four months. We were not going to let him come stay with us but we did. With the understanding, it was short term until the money that was owed to him from work release came.

We are raising his nine year old daughter and three and a half year old son. We (His dad and I) have had them for nearly four years now. My granddaughter was thrilled to have him here. My grandson doesn't really know him.

His plan was to go back to Lake City and work with the company he worked with for a work release. I had hopes, but not very high. I try not to expect too much so I'm not terribly disappointed when things don't work out. He seemed to be doing fine the first couple of weeks. Then his check came in. Twenty six hundred dollars. He was supposed to get his license taken care of and I was going to sell him my van. It's an older van, but still in good running condition. I told him no down payment and he could pay me every month. That way, he would be able to get the tags and insurance. Get his license back and have transportation to go to work. He had a place that he could stay in Lake City.

Well, Saturday, the day after he got his check, and opened a bank account he said he was going to see a friend, a girl that he used to know and would be back a little later in the evening. This really upset my granddaughter. He had gone to Lake City a few times to hang out with some other girl and stayed gone a couple of times overnight. And that really upset my granddaughter. 

Before he went to prison, he was homeless on the street for 2 and a half years. This was the first time he'd physically been with his kids for any amount of time in over three years. 

So anyway, he took off late Saturday afternoon and didn't come back. We didn't hear from him and he wasn't answering calls or messages. As of now he has not replied to any messages or calls. Today was my granddaughter's first day of third grade, and she was so excited to have her dad there. She is once again disappointed. 

I told him he had one shot at this and one only and he has blown it big time. I'm gathering up what little stuff he has left here, bagging it up, and I'm putting it outside. He is no longer welcome here. Honestly, I'm not really mad or sad, nor do I have any of the feelings I would normally have. I'm just done. 

His dad and I talked about it, and we're going to terminate the parental rights of both my son and the kids' mom. She had been in jail from October of 2024 until February of this year and got clean in jail. She wanted to see the kids so we let her. She came over a couple of times and went to my granddaughters' first communion, but the last time she was here to see them was Mother's Day. She never calls. My granddaughter calls and calls her and if she does answer she only talks to her a few minutes and says she's got to go to do something, and she will call her back, and she never calls back. 

I tried to give them both a chance to get back in the kids' life, and I told them both, they had one chance only to do right. And not hurt these kids again. I'm a hundred percent positive my son has relapsed. Not sure about the mom, but her actions speak louder than words. 

In our guardianship papers, it says that we are supposed to make reasonable effort to let the  parents have visitation with the kids. I did try to give them both a chance, however, my loyalty is for my grandchildren. Their Papa and I have been entrusted to keep them safe and happy

and I refuse to ever let the parents let them down again. So  TPR it is, and we're looking into adoption. 

I now have to set my granddaughter down and talk to her about the situation. She turned nine in June, and she's already been through so much. She knows that her parents have substance abuse problems. She knows that's the reason they had not been in her and her brother's life. 

This is the absolute last time she will ever be disappointed by them. I feel so bad like I failed my grandkids somehow by trying to have the parents back in their lives. If either parent ever decides they want to see the kids, they will have to go to court and they will have to petition for visitation. My heart breaks for my grandkids. My granddaughter loves her mom and dad so much. Unfortunately, the drugs are stronger than the love they have for their kids. If you've read this far, Thank You. I just needed to get this out into the universe and out of my head. Being the mom of addicted children is heartbreaking in every way. I'll keep praying for all of you and your children to find some peace in all the chaos and madness that addiction brings.

 I'd try so hard to fix all of it. Till I finally realized I couldn't, and that's when I finally went to therapy and I finally set strong boundaries and through therapy, I've been able to keep those boundaries. 🙏❤️

—--Carol A.